Harry Potter: Half Baked
by Existential Insanity
Summary: A bunch of half-baked ideas. Prompts, full one-shots, summarized ideas. And Siriusness.
1. Chapter 1

Poor, Poor Severus

_That _was not James Potter's child. Not by a long shot. It was most definitively Lilly's, no one else had those green, green eyes that could bore into your very soul. Fuck legilimency, Lilly's eyes were far more effective at reading a person.

Those cheeks, that hair, that insufferable smirk, that gods-damned swagger. That was the spawn of Sirius Black. And not the child Sirius Black, no. It was as if the child was channeling the young man that Sirius Black became.

Already he had a veritable harem amongst the first year females, all twittering and giggling at him. The boys in the first year already wished to _be_ Harry Potter. The way he commanded attention and_ made you like him_! Severus could already feel his animosity slipping away!

James Potter may have provided the sperm to make the child, but without a doubt he was his godfather's child. Severus could only imagine the sheer horror that would have been brought to Hogwarts if the boy had actually been influenced by that damned mutt.

Somewhere on a dark and scary isle full of fear and terror, a half-starved man froze. He began sniffing the air around him. His guards, the human ones, watched in awe and, well, the newbie just wet himself.

"Dog-father senses tingling," the man mumbled, suddenly clutching his head, "Dog-son is BEING AWESOME!"

Sirius gave his guards a thumbs up and blindingly white smile. The guards just passed out on the ground.

"Huh," the newly revealed dog-father looked down at them, "that's never happened before."

Sirius looked around and ran a hand through his matted hair.

"Where's a gong when you need it?"

The Sorting Hat just broke into snickers as it called out "SLYTHERIN!"

Harry tore the hat off and did a little victory dance.

"Yes, the way to greatness here I come! Potter's Party Parlour will exist!"

A/N: This is a Silly and Sexy Story Prompt. Harry is sorted into Slytherin, his great ambition? Be the ultimate party host. Parties full of fun and debauchery. To establish the greatest Gentleman's (and Ladies) Club to ever exist. Go Go Dancers in cages are a must.

Sirius has to eventually escape Azkaban and be reunited (being cleared in a situation that involves Amelia Bones, a rubber chicken, a bath-tub, and Amelia acting like a school-girl with a crush when it comes to Sirius) with Harry in a suitably dog-fatherish way. The gong thing and dog-father senses must be incorperated. A series of gongs exist, getting bigger the more awesome Harry is currently being.

Ron tries over and over again to bully Harry only to fail miserably. Severus ultimately fails at hating the boy as he amuses Severus far too much. Dumbledore fails at turning Harry into a Good little Hero, as Harry overcomes the challenges set forth in hilarious, strangely S&M, ways. And the power he knows not? Lust/Love based magic powered by the sheer awesome sexy parties.

Essentially Harry is a celebrity with a high CHA score. Booze and coke and all sorts of nightlife problems that don't seem to be a problem. Kinda like Charlie Sheen. Harry's heart pumps tiger's blood and he's bi-winning.

The quote that inspired all of this? 'I may be bad, but I'm perfectly good at it.'

Sirius is the Dog-father and a Black for a Reason!

No blurb for this one but its a story of Harry ending up in a situation similar to Sirius.'

Voldemort is a lot less terroristy but still does terrorist type things occasionally, most of his moves are political through his servants. So James and Lily are still alive. And instead of Just Harry, there are twins of which the older is Harry. After the birth of these twins, Voldemort picks up on the terrorist type activities and is ultimately not a big part of Harry's story, it still should be periphrial.

Harry ends up in Slytherin. Harry, as he is sorted, dreads this. He argues with the Sorting Hat, but is still sorted in to the House of Serpents. In a moment of terribad parenting James sends his oldest a howler. And Harry gets no mail from his mother (another moment of terribad parenting). Surprisingly Draco is supportive of Harry. Sirius writes Harry after hearing that he got sorted into Slytherin, telling him not to worry and it's not all bad and things like that. Sirius also goes and confronts James and Lily. Cue explosive fight, and Sirius and James no longer being best friends and more akin to enemies. It culminates in James saying something along the lines of 'you want him so bad you can have him.' Lily is again strangely quiet.

Sirius does indeed take Harry and adopts him. This starts a domino effect of Sirius getting pulled back into the Black family, and becoming a part of Black Politics. Orion and Regulus are alive for at least the first year and the summer into second. And for lulsy moments, Sirius and Harry have to dodge Walburga (and Narcissa) trying to marry them off. To increasingly hot and sexy women from all across Europe. Start with the scum at the bottom of the barrel, and work your way up to the hottest of the hot.

Insert bulk of story.

Harry wins and triumphs over Voldemort in a strange twist of mundane events (like Harry gets out of a rousing good party and drunkenly crashes into Voldemort, driving forwards and backwards a few times as he then drives off because the hot drunken woman in his passenger seat gets naked). So serious undertones the whole way, which allows for dramatic conflict, but Sirius overtones allow for hilarity the entire time.


	2. Chapter 2: Tinkerer

The Tinkerer

or

Clockwork Magic

Vernon Dursely usually hid his nephew Harry whenever someone came over, but that day Dudely had some afterschool activity he had to attend and Petunia had a salon apointment. He, himself, was in the midst of a very important deal at work.

So, he had to let nine year old Harry Potter allow the repairman in the house to fix the grandfather clock that stood in the hallway. When Vernon came home a half hour later than the man showed up he was treated to a very weird experience.

The repair man was explaining to the young (and very excited) Harry, in great detail, the inner workings of the clock as he went along. The man even went as far as to allow the boy to hand him tools and explain how they all functioned.

Suddenly, like the tolling of the hour, it came to Vernon. Corpral punishment? Withholding the occasional meal? Throwing the boy in to the cupboard? No, those weren't the answer.

Clocks were.

Dudley had thrown a fit about his second bedroom, but it was a truly great sacrifice. The room had been renovated into Harry's bedroom-stroke-work area. Vernon bought a very cheap mechanical pocketwatch, a book on how to repair and maintain pocketwatches of all kinds, and a proper tool set. All were given to the boy with the very express attitude that the boy would use this new found knowledge to pay Vernon back.

The boy had done so within a year.

He was incredibly adept at fixing these small mechanical devices.

Eventually Harry was allowed full portions at meals, instead of the meagre ones from before. He and Dudley started to get along reasonably well, and Vernon and Perunia no longer had to lie about Harry being a delinquent. He was 'reformed' now. Working had straightened the boy out.

Harry even wore new clothes! Granted he had impressed to his aunt and uncle that he wanted to look like a watchmaker of old, which Vernon thought was a little weird (but not the m-word weird) but complied with.

Then that blasted letter came.

Harry had asked his aunt quote 'what bloody cow shite is this?!' end quote. Harry later mused that the mouth washing had been worth it. He replied to the letter with a polite, but resounding 'no.'

Alas, it wasn't meant to be.

XXXXX

They had sent Minerva McGonagal. Less abrasive than Severus Snape, but far more politely scary. The final straw had not been her casual transfiguration of the chair in which she sat, or the mention of his parents (they were no good drunks after all! Never worked a decent day's work in their life! Not like Harry!), instead it had been Minerva's pocketwatch. The many added functions of her watch got Harry hook, line, and sinker.

That and Harry and Dudley were tired of Vernon and Petunia looking like they had swallowed a pound of sour candies.

'Just make me a watch, Harry.'

Dudley had liked Minerva's watch too. It got the wireless.

There were some good shows on the wireless!

So Professor McGonagal gathered up young Harry and took him on a trip to Diagon Alley. Where he proceeded to ignore almost everything and everyone. He got the items on the list, (The goblins had been somewhat interesting, as had his apparent fortune. That Ollivander fellow had been quite strange and the blonde boy who kept trying to chat him up had been quite annoying) and was currently waiting for Professor McGonagal to come back to the bench on which he was seated. Being only eleven and easily bored of just watching his personal watch tick away, Harry finally looked up.

That's when he saw it.

The magical watch shop.

XXXXX

Chronomancy was Harry's wet dream. Watches and clocks of all sizes and shapes where all around him. And they all ticked and tocked in time! It was perfect, sequential, mechanical heaven with the added bonus of magical features.

He flitted excitedly from one display to the next before he was (rudely, in Harry's opion) interuppted on his pursuit of Nirvana.

"It's not everyday I get one as young as you in my shop. Especially this excited."

Harry whirled and faced the shopkeep. He was dressed smartly, black slacks, suspenders, white shirt, black vest, and had close cropped grey hair with a matching moustache.

"I apologize, sir. I didn't mean to disturb you."

The man waved him off as he went to stand behind the counter.

"Just don't touch anything and we'll call me undisturbed. I must say, though, that I do enjoy your style young one."

Harry smiled brightly. Their outfits matched somewhat.

"Thank you, sir. I hope to wear it as well as you one day."

The man jabbed a finger at Harry's birdnest.

"You'll have to do something about that."

Harry ducked his head and patted his bangs down.

"I can't seem to do anything about it, sir."

The old man just chuckled.

"I'm just teasing, young one."

"Harry, sir. I'm Harry Potter."

The man arched an eyebrow.

"Truly? Well, Mr. Potter, I am Devon Cogsworth."

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Cogsworth."

Before their conversation could continue, a young girl's voice cut in.

"Grandda Cogs, I can't find where this box is supposed to go!"

Shortly afterwards, a girl, about Harry's age, came out of the back room. She wore a simple deep green knee-length dress, with white socks and black shoes. Her hair was a honey-blonde and she had very blue eyes. Harry thought she was very pretty, even if she wasn't gears and springs.

"Let me see then, Daphne," Mr. Cogsworth said as he took the box from his granddaughter. After a moments inspection, he smiled.

"That's because it goes right here."

He slid the box into an open space under the counter and turned to address the youngsters.

"Daphne, this fine young gentleman is Harry. Harry, my granddaughter Daphne."

Daphne curtsied and Harry offered a bow in return. Really, what else was he supposed to do? He had no hat to remove and tip to the girl, and she curtsied! So he went with bowing, because a nod seemed too rude in the face of the curtsy.

She giggled slightly in return before speaking to her grandfather.

"A gentleman, indeed, Grandda Cogs. I'll be going in the back to play!"

With that she disappeared in a swirl and a laugh.

"You mind the tools and parts!"

Mr. Cogsworth shook his head and turned his attention back to Harry,before looking out the shop's window.

"Well, Mr. Potter, judging from how frantic she is, Professor McGonagal is looking for you."

Harry winced.

"I'd best be going, sir. It was a pleasure!"

And he was out the door.

"A pleasure indeed, Mr. Potter. A pleasure indeed."

XXXXX

After a scolding from Professor McGonagal presented Harry with a small tabby kitten. A birthday present.

"You didn't have to do this, Professor."

Minerva just waved him off.

"After all the birthdays of yours I've missed? It is the least I can do Mr. Potter. Your mother, Lily, was one of my favourite students, as was your father, James. Though," she said sharply, "do not think I will be showing any favourtism once we get to Hogwarts!"

Harry nodded as he scratched his new kitten behind the ears.

"Of course, madame."

XXXXX

The m-word was never to be spoken in the Dursley household, Harry was informed. Any and all m-word related things were to be kept hidden and tucked away. Any reference to his school was to be 'the one my parents signed me up for, before they died.' If he absolutely had to do anything related to the m-word, it was to be done after dinner and the sun had gone down.

And Vernon would drive him to King's Cross on September first.

"You see, boy? Platform nine, platform ten! Bloody freaks giving you shite for the correct information."

"It has to be here somewhere, Uncle. If I miss the train, I'm sure someone will come to pick me up."

Vernon 'harumph'ed.

"Fine, then."

Vernon then looked decidedly uneasy. He clapped a hand on Harry's shoulder and leaned down a bit so they were almost face to face.

It was at this time that a herd of red-headed people walked by yelling some gibberish.

"I don't know what they will teach you at this crackpot school, boy. Don't let it make me regret this."

Harry shook his head. This, he assumed, would be the closest he would get to fraternal love from Vernon.

"Don't worry, Uncle Vernon. I don't plan on staying in that world. I want to make watches with the best of them."

Vernon's lips twitched into a smile briefly before the man left without another word. Harry looked at his cart and spoke to his kitten.

"Well, Hors, it looks like we have to find Platform Nine-and-three-quarters on our own."

Just as he moved to push his cart, a man's voice spoke to him.

"They didn't show you how to get onto the platform?"

Harry looked at the source of a voice to find a middle-aged man, his wife, and their bushy-haired daughter.

"No, sir. Hogwarts, sir?"

The man nodded.

"I'm Doctor Granger, this is my wife, Doctor Granger, and our lovely daughter Hermione. She's off to Hogwarts too. You didn't get the, what was it, muggle-born orientation?"

Harry shook his head. The male Dr. Granger waved Harry to follow them as he began pushin his daughters cart towards a brick pillar. Hermione bounded up to him.

"Are you excited? I'm so very excited, I mean, magic? I thought it was a load until Professor McGonagal showed up. I've read all of this years books and they are so terribly fascinating! Have you read any of them? Oh, I'm Hermione, by the way."

She stuck out her hand, which Harry shook.

"Harry, a pleasure. And no, I'm not excited. I'm rather... non-plussed. I was quite happy with how my life was going before all of this. Niether have I read any of the course books, nor do I plan to until I have my schedule in hand."

Hermione pursed her lips.

"I suppose that is understandable and practical."

That was when Harry noticed they had walked_ through _a brick pillar and now stood on a train platform. He looked up and saw the designation sign.

"Well, I'll be. Platform Nine-and-three-quarters."

After saying 'thank you,' Harry seperated himself from the Grangers, so they could all say goodbye with out him there.

XXXXX

Harry sat in his empty compartment with his jewler's glasses over his own. A firm, but gentle hand was needed to take out the spring of the watch that lay on his lap-table. Having never revealed his family name to anyone, he was politely left undisturbed.

XXXXX

"Potter, Harry."

And the whispers started. Still Harry, with only a little bit of his nervousness showing in his stride, went up to the stool upon which he sat. The ratty and tattered Sorting Hat was placed up on his head.

'_Hmmmm, some courage, a bit of knowledge, a few drams of ambition, and lots of hardwork. I thought you were going to be harder to sort_.'

"Sorry?"

"HUFFLEPUFF!"

XXXXX

A/N: I'm terribly sick and on a Harry Potter Kick, soze I'm gonna end up posting like a bunch of chapters and shitty ideas. This one is basically a very sensible, hard-working Harry who is very interested in two things, clockwork and enchanting. I would go crazy with the steam-punk ish clockwork automa and stuff. He would end up at least dating Daphne (Greengrass) but wouldn't necessarily be the final pairing and due to my own ineptitude not be a big part of the story. I think that's a flaw with a lot of fanfiction is that Harry finds his One True Love in the first go.


	3. Chapter 3: Blackened Soul

Blackened Soul

Cissy, or Narcissa as she was called in public, was actually Sirus' favorite cousin. She would stifle giggles and give him smirks with winks when she heard the stories about his antics. She also gave him the best presents at Yule. Even after he had run away, she kept in reasonable contact. Andy was a bit more distant, but she was really the black sheep of the family and they didn't quite get along.

Sirus didn't believe in blood purity but he wasn't_ that _into muggles and muggleborn. Motorcycles were cool though.

And now his favorite cousin was getting married to that arse hole scum bag Lucius Malfoy. That repugnent ass was going to get his! The fucker was a Death Eater and if half of the stories that _still _lingered about Hogwarts were true...

Sirius refused to let Cissy get roped into that rapist sheep-fuckers bed.

His presence at the wedding had certainly turned more than a few heads and let him receive more than a few glares. Strangely enough, Orion, ancient and wizened, had offered a respectful nod to elder son, something Sirius returned.

When the call came for 'speak now or forever hold your peace,' Sirius spoke his dog damned mind.

"I object! There is no way I would let Narcissa marry that fucking piece of gob shite, raping, sheep fucker!"

It had the desired affect. Lucius turned a most marvelous shade of puce as did more than a few of the gathered family members. The political invites were gaping at his colorful language but that was about it. Orion laid a hand on his wife's arm to keep her from getting up and giving Sirius what-for.

"You dare? On this most au-"

"Shut the bloody hell up and let's get this duel to the death on the road. Can we get a judge?"

Barty Crouch, Sr. as the head of the DMLE volunteered. He gave some sort of tripe that Sirius ignored.

Eventually the duel began. And almost as soon as it started it was over. Despite Lucius having several years post-Hogwarts experience and some experience as a Death Eater committing horribly violent crimes, he was not prepared for the onslaught.

First, Lucius' hand exploded, thanks to a borderline legal 'grey' curse. Next a simple overpowered cutting curse took out him out at his knees. Sirius appoached a begging Lucius.

"Please, let me live! Please!"

"I think you forget yourself, Lucius. I may be a Griffindor, but my soul is Black, and my Black heart pumps Black blood through my veins. Make sure to tell Death that Sirius Black the Grim, his faithful hound, sent you."

A reducto to the blonde man's head ended his life.

Sirius spat on the cooling corpse, spun on his heel and left. The crowd gathered was left speechless.

Orion's raspy voice broke the silence.

"And that's why I didn't let you disown the boy. He's a Black through and through."

Walburga nodded absently, staring after the boy -_man_- she had brought into the world.

XXXXX

Sirius sat on his bed, staring at his hands. He had taken a life. It wasn't a life that was worth much but he had. He had done it to protect his family. The very same family that had spat on him for so long...

He buried his face in his hands. He didn't look up when the door to his dorm opened. It must be one of the other Maruaders. They had heard almost instantly, of what he had done, a special edition Daily Prophet saw to that. They had patted him on the back and given him space. Sirius wasn't sure if he was really grateful or not, but it did give him some time to get his head straight.

When a small hand slid across his shoulders and someone sat down next to him, Sirius looked up.

Lily Evan's bright green eyes bored into his.

"You did the right thing, saving your cousin from him."

Sirius nodded, not willing to trust his voice.

"Me da served in the big one, he always told me and Tuney that taking a life was something that changes a man. And that if the Gerries hadn't been horrible excuses for human beings he never would have volunteered."

Lily took a shaky breath, closing her eyes momentarily. She opened them back up and continued.

"He said that if he was going to be changed, it might as well be in the defense of those who couldn't bring themselves to do violence. He always said something like 'People sleep soundly in their beds at night because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf.' If you think Narcissa will sleep better at night because of what you did, you did the right thing."

"But," Sirius countered his throat closing up, "But..."

"You still took a life, and that's okay Sirius. Just don't let it change you too much."

And Sirius, self titled The Grim, Death's Faithful Hound, broke down and cried into Lily's shoulder.

XXXXX

James was a little disgruntled with how much time Lily (the love of his life) and Sirius (his best mate and brother in all but blood) were spending together. When he had asked Sirius about it, he trusted the answer.

"She's just helping me through a rough patch, Prongs, I swear."

Still, something niggled in the back of his head. The animosity between James and Lily had cooled down considerably (to the point they were on a first name basis) but she was still rejecting his advances.

And then it happened.

He was walking by an unused classroom when he heard Sirius' voice.

"But- But Prongs!"

When Lily's voice answered, him James found himself rooted to the spot.

"What about James? This is between you and I! I like _you_, Sirius Orion Black, not James."

"I- I-"

Sirius must have knocked over some desks in his haste, judging from the clatter. The door was whipped open and Sirus almost bowled James over. The look of sheer horror on his face hadn't changed in the slightest when his eyes widened in recognition as the two friends stood almost nose to nose.

"James, I-"

"Just make sure she's happy, yeah?"

And the Potter heir spun on his heel and walked away. He ignored the calls from Sirius as an uncomfortable wetness began to prickle the back of his eyes.

"I guess it wasn't meant to be," James whispered to the wind.

XXXXX

Remus and Peter were a little confused when James didn't react to Lily holding a protesting Sirius' hand. He just smiled sadly and went back to their conversation.

"Uh, James," Peter started.

"Yes, Wormtail?"

Peter gestured to the new couple, if Lily's friends' squeals were anything to judge by.

James shook his head.

"It wasn't meant to be, though my mother was very happy to hear that I'd given up on Lily."

Peter let out a soft 'oh,' and the three carried on like nothing happened.

XXXXX

It took a while but eventually the Maruaders were out maruading again, though Sirus made a point to not be involved in anything involving Snape as a primary target. Maybe it was guilt over almost killing the man via Remus, or something about Snape having been Lily's childhood friend (though the two weren't friends anymore) none of the other Maruader's were sure.

Eventually they all graduated, and Sirius had managed not killing anyone else. But that summer, events took an interesting turn.

XXXXX

Sirius was more than a little nervous, it wasn't everyday a bloke got married to the woman he loved, who was formerly loved by his brother. He had checked with James first when he decided to pop the question. James had poked Sirius in the eye and said 'Only if I can be the best man you arse.' Then Sirius did the honorable thing and asked Lily's parents. They had given their blessing.

And Sirius popped the questiong in true doggy fashion. He had placed the ring in a clear rubber ball and gone to his and Lily's favorite park. He hid the ball and waited until the next day. Lily took Padfoot out to play at the park, something which amused the red-headed witch to no end. Padfoot had gotten the ball and ended up playing catch with some of the local children, eventually letting the kids 'find' a note. They all ran up to the pretty lady and dragged her over to play with them. When Padfoot brought the ball back he dropped it at Lily's feet.

The children stopped her from throwing it, and told her to look at the ball. She gasped when she saw the ring the Sirius had bought with his meagre Auror wages. That's when the children chorused: 'Sirius wants to know if you'll marry him!'

They were a little confused when she hugged the dog and said yes. But grown ups were weird.

But here he was. Waiting, waiting, and BLOODY WAITING!

And then James came to the door.

"Uh, Padfoot, I think you need to take care of this."

Sirius was confused. What couldn't Mr. and Mrs. Potter handle? When he got out to see what was going on, it made sense that he be the one to handle it.

His father, mother, little brother, and Narcissa were there. His mind blanked for a moment, and then he opened with the first thing that came to mind.

"What are you all doing here?"

Walburga sniffed imperiously, but Orion cut her off.

"It isn't every day that my heir gets married. I'm sure the invitations were simply lost in the mail, dreadful thing that."

"Dreadful thing, indeed."

Sirius was toying with the idea to kick them all out except Narcissa. But he decided to be the better man. And Orion had said that Sirius was his heir... Maybe he could weasel an explanation out of him later.

He allowed them to attend with the warning that Lily's muggle relatives were there and that they (his family) would have to tolerate them politely. He wouldn't have this day ruined by bigotry.

Shortly after that whole fiasco, it was time for Sirius to take his place at the sacrificial altar. He had convinced Lily that the Old Forms needed to be followed, for the sake of Olde Magicks. They would get 'married' again, soon enough, for a more muggle wedding. After giving Lily's family (and Vernon, who was Petunia's 'plus one') the run down, and making sure that the Maruaders wouldn't prank the ever loving fuck out of the fat walrus who was Lily's sister's boyfriend, everyone was set.

Sirius would swear until the day he died that he had never and would never see a sight more beautiful than his blushing bride walk down the isle.

XXXXX

Orion surveyed his son's new wife with a critical eye. The reports he had on the lass were incredibly favorable. Brilliant, vivacious, and with a temper to keep his lunk headed son in check. He could see all of these things.

He decided she was a good addition to the family. She was a witch and that would have to be enough. Maybe 'Tojus Pur' could simply refer to marrying other witches and wizards. Keeping the magic pure. Afterall, the reports on Andy's little girl was that she was a metamorphmagus who was already showing incredible promise.

"Sirius, a word."

Orion managed to catch Sirius on the way to the bar.

"A quick one, Lily is expecting me back with drinks."

The eldest Black nodded.

"Of course. Where are you two going on your honeymoon?"

Sirius blushed slighty.

"Just down to Wales, a nice little cottage for a few days."

Orion shook his head and held out an envelope.

"That won't do. My heir and his wife deserve something far better than that."

Sirius took the envelope with a critical eye. When he opened it and wasn't cursed into oblivion he actually inspected the contents.

"Tickets?! To Marseilles?! And a_ muggle_ hotel reservation?!"

"I trust that you and your beloved value privacy, this is the talk of the wedding season, seeing as so few were invited. I will make sure your mother lets all the other ladies know it was in the Old Forms. Now, I beleive your better half is looking for you."

Sirius never noticed his father leave but he did hear Lily's squeal of delight.

And that made it worth dealing with his insufferable father.

XXXXX

A/N: Total shout out to Rorscharch's (sp?) Blot. The man is a freaking genius. Lily and (le gasp!) Sirius get together. Black Politics. And its revealed that Sirius is a 'throwback' in the terms of Blacks. Recently Blacks have been shadow emperors and kings but once upon a time they were fearsome shaman, witch doctors, druids whatever you want to call them, but boiling down to battle mages who used characteristically black coloured spells. Coupled with their black hair, they became Black. The old family magics of the Blacks are indeed Dark, but not illegal. Sirius (and Lily) tear a swathe of blood through Voldemort's army. Mao once said the guerrilla swims through the population like a fish swims in water. Sirius and his Beloved are going to drain the lake. No prophecy just sheer bad-assery, explosions, and fite. The final battle between Sirius and Voldemort (Lily fights the already crazed and lost to the Death Eater cause Bellatrix) is an incredible show of old Black Magic and Voldemort's hodge podge of Dark Magic. I'm honestly thinking the ultimate spell of the Black family gives them an astral form similar to boomkin, algenon, and elegon in WoW at this time, but instead of stars on clear its stars on black. They get super buffs when it happens. *shrug*


	4. Chapter 4: A trio of ideas

A/N: I've been spitballin' for like three weeks and this is the result.

Career Woman

"I would like to go spend some time on the dueling circuit before I retire to be a home maker."

Bellatrix was sitting with a canadate for marriage. One Rudolphus LeStrange. And they were talking about their expectations for the future and their currently possible marriage. Bellatrix, for one, was very excited to be out of Hogwarts and to show the world what a fantastic witch she was with a wand. What better platform the the dueling circuit?

Rudolphus for his part frowned. And he answered her in his slightly accented English. Seven years in Hogwarts and he still sounded like he was from his native Belgium.

"A wife's place is in the home. You could be permantly injured on the circuit and be unable to bear children."

'And you could be permantly injured running around for the Dark Lord, what's the difference? Oh, yeah, you get paid to duel,' she thought.

"I see."

The conversation went downhill from their and all negotiations were broken off. Cyngus was able to convince his father, Arcturus, to hold off on looking for a suitable husband for Bellatrix, especially when she was able to take gold in the A-level European Championship, which allowed her to be ranked tenth in the European Pro Ladder.

She had quickly fallen to rank fifteen.

And this is what had convinced her that the pureblood mania her family espoused was wrong. Three of her bouts had been against halfbloods, and one had been against a muggleborn. Once she realized to not underestimate her opponent based on blood status she began to slowly climb the rankings.

And she was so focused on climbing that ladder and getting into the world rankings that she ignored everything happening in England until she was hurt enough to have to take a year or so off to heal and train back up.

Wasting Curses were not fun to be on the receiving end of.

It was also when she first realized Sirius had run away from the family and graduated from Hogwarts. Bellatrix had gone to visit weird Uncle Alphard and Sirius had been there and explained everything. Auntie Burga was a raging cunt and if Bellatrix said so, she really was a raging cunt.

Then Bellatrix got roped into meeting her other cousin, James Potter, and his pregnant wife, Lily. And that's when they convinced her to take the babe away if they died. To hide him. Lily apparently had a very bad feeling.

"If you want me to take him into hiding if you all die, I need to magically adopt him."

"Why?"

Bellatrix rolled her eyes.

"To force my disinheiritance. Besides if I'm going to hide your child when you die, he might as well become mine when you do, which is when I'll adopt him with a blood adoption and he will become my son."

A/N: Dunno, been bouncing around in my head, but basically, Bellatrix wants to be a duelist and Rudolphus wants a houswife, so they don't get married. And Bella's views get changed by personal experience. Then she gets convinced to take Harry and hide him, but the catch is it has to be the end of the Potter line. Harry has to become her son. A Black.

Bella gets disinheirited but the 'bastard' son of hers becomes heir apparent when it seems like Voldemort killed the entire Potter family. This is because as soon as Lily dies, Harry gets portkeyed to Bella, leaving Voldemort to rage and burn down the Potter Home. Sirius forgot about the deal they made with Bella and flys into the same hysterical rage he did in canon and goes after Peter.

Voldemort then goes and kills the Longbottoms, getting destroyed when he tries to kill Neville. So Neville is the Boy-Who-Lived. Harry becomes Arcturus Aries Black, but everyone calls him Aries because his great-granda is still alive for a little while. Bella becomes the dueling instructor at Beauxbatons, and Harry has to go to Hogwarts, so he isn't 'tainted' by the French.

Even though Neville ends up in Gryffindor and Aries ends up in Slytherin, the two become friends, and Aries helps Neville through all of his adventures, while competeing in dueling competitions where he dominates.

Wotcher, Cousin

Andromeda watched her clumsy daughter get on the Hogwarts Express heading to her seventh year. This was also the year her second cousin, Harry Potter, would be starting and if Andromeda's hunch was correct, he would need guidance.

After seeing how Dumbledore destroyed her cousins Sirius and James, Andromeda would be damned if she let that old fart touch another member of her family. Harry had never received any of the mail their family had sent to him. Nothing, not even his presents.

He was purposefully isolated from those who cared about him. Odds are in the muggle world as well. And so she stepped through the portal back into the muggle area of King's Cross.

Sure enough, there was a boy there, the spitting image of James, with a Snowy Owl, looking very confusedly down at something in his hands.

As she approached him, Andromeda heard the unmistakeable voice of Molly Weasley ring out, saying far too much in a muggle area. So, that was Dumbledore's gambit. Andromeda could easily counter.

"Harry!" she called out as she rapidly closed the distance between them, distracting him from the Weasleys. He had moved like he was going to go up to them, "Cousin! It is good to finally see you."

The young boy looked so very confused. Andromeda held out a hand.

"Hello, Harry. I am Andromeda Tonks nee Black and I am your cousin, once removed."

Harry warily took her hand and shook it.

"Hello, ma'am. How are you my cousin? I didn't think I had any family besides the Dursleys."

Andromeda filed the name away for later.

"Your father's mother was Dorea Black before she was married to your grandfather Charlus Potter. She was my father's sister. I've been trying to get into contact with you for years with no reply, so knowing you would start Hogwarts this year, I laid in waiting. Now, I bet your trying to get onto the platform?"

Harry nodded.

"Come along then."

And she led him through the portal, the burning glare of Molly Weasley latching onto her as she came through with Harry. Oh, yes, Dumbledore had indeed chosen to use that gold-digging, potion-using, sorry excuse for a witch to do his bidding.

Harry for his part was amazed that he had just walked through a wall and gaped openly at the Hogwarts Express. She helped him get his trunk onto the train and handed him Hedwig's cage.

"Now, when you get on there, go to the front, my daughter Nymphadora will be near the front. She has been informed that if I managed to talk to you, that I would send you her way. She's a seventh year and will answer any questions you might have. And finally, young man."

Andromeda bent over and hugged the boy, noting that he flinched and stiffened. She ignored it for the moment and kissed his temple.

"Do send me letters, I have missed you greatly. Family is very important to me. Perhaps, you'll come to my home for the holidays? Dora and Ted would be very glad to have you."

Harry nodded very slowly as she disengaged herself. Andromeda could tell he wanted so badly to believe her. Whoever these Dursleys were they would soon find out that Andromeda Tonks was every bit as scary as her sister Bellatrix.

"Remember, Dora should be near the front, and she prefers to be called by our surname, Tonks. Have a good first year, Harry."

With that she shooed him onto the train and waited for the signal from Dora.

XXXXX

Harry slowly moved towards the front of the train mulling over what he had just gone through. He had family besides the Dursleys! Maybe... Maybe they would take him? Especially since they were freaks like him. He shook his head to clear the cobwebs before knocking on the compartment door he had stoppe dinfont of.

The girl who answered the door had shockingly bright pink hair cut short. She was also wearing what at first glance appeared to be normal clothing, but Harry didn't recognize the band name, The Weird Sisters.

"I'm sorry for disturbing you, but I'm Harry Potter and I'm looking for Nymphadora Tonks."

The girl who had brightened at hearing his name wilted and looked slightly grumpy when he said 'Nymphadora,' her hair shockingly going through a cycle of colours, blue then red.

"Wotcher, I'm Tonks, Harry. I don't much like my first name, but Mum always goes on and on about how its a proper witch's name. Now get in here and let's wave goodbye to my mum before we start talking, yeah?"

The two stuck their torso's out the window and waved to a smiling Andromeda before pulling back in and sat down. Harry made sure that Hedwig was secure before he turned to Tonks.

"Can I call you Dora? 'Cause even if you don't like your name, I still think its pretty."

Again her hair cycled through several colours. And she looked a little embarassed but pleased.

"Yes, you can," she laughed, "I can tell that you are going to be such the heartbreaker, you're so sweet!"

Harry's cheeks burned.

"So, I'm a seventh year, a prefect, and most importantly, your cousin, so I'm here for you. If you have any questions feel free to ask them."

His mouth opened and closed a few times, before he settled on:

"Are you really my cousin? And how do you change your hair like that?"

Dora smiled.

"I'm what's called a Metamorphmagus. Basically, I can do human transfiguration on myself. As to being your cousin..."

Dora opened the bag in the seat next to her and looked through it before pulling out a thick book. She flipped through a few pages before turning it around to him.

"This is the Black Family Tree. See here? That's my mum, Andromeda, and that line through her name means she was disowned. Which she was coz she married my dad. Now here is my Great-Aunt Dorea who is your grandmother."

Tonks flipped through a few more pages and showed him the Potter Family Tree.

"This is your direct family. There's Aunt Dorea and Cousin James and Lily, and here's you!"

She handed the book to him and he reverently touched his parent's names before looking at all the others.

"You can have that, call it a belated eleventh birthday gift. Expect loads more, mister! I got to make up for all sorts of Yule gifts and birthdays!"

Harry looked up sharply.

"You don't have to do tha-"

"You're right I don't have to, but I want to, you're family! I don't much like Cousin Draco but I send him gifts too."

Harry cocked his head.

"Cousin Draco, right. He's your cousin too, his mum is my Aunt Narcissa. But you're gonna havfta call her Lady Malfoy until she lets you call her Aunt. Lord Lucius Malfoy is her husband and he's a right bastard. Draco takes after his father. But mum and Aunt Cissa get along well enough and have tea once a month. Draco will probably make an appearance. He's a little snobbish but be polite, once you get past the snobbery he's got a wicked sense of humor for an eleven year old."

Harry nodded, maintaining his general silence. Again he looked down at his family tree. So many people he'd never met, and all of them dead. Even while he felt excitement he couldn't help but feel very sad. He cheered up slightly as the thought that Dora was here, and Andromeda seemed to care about him enough that she did her absolute best to make sure she saw him off to Hogwarts.

"What do I call your mum?"

"Aunt Andromeda, Auntie, whatever, but something like that."

Harry nodded again. That was when the train whistled, signaling its departure. After it was underway, Dora broke the comfortable silence.

"What house d'you think you'll be in? Your parents were in Gryffindor, but we'll still love you no matter what house you're in, though it'd be easiest for me to keep you, iffin you were in Slytherin."

Harry gasped.

"But Hagrid said that Slytherins were evil!"

Dora stuck her tongue out at him.

"Do I look evil to you? Besides, word is a Slytherin got Hagrid expelled back in the day, so he's got a grudge. Bet he told you some tripe about how Dark Lords only come from Slytherin, yeah?"

Harry nodded.

"The Dark Lord before You-know-who was Gellert Grindlewald and he was a Gryffindor. And he conquered most of Magical Europe behind the scenes while Hitler was conquering Muggle Europe. Dumbledore was the one who stopped him, so everyone forgets that Grindlewald was a Gryff but remembers the Dumbledore was, so they think all good wizards and witches come from Gryffindor. Then when You-know-who was revealed to be from Slytherin. they all started thinking that was where all the Dark Lords came from. Well, that and most of his followers were from Slytherin. But another good portion was from Ravenclaw and a few were from Gryffindor.

In fact, Hufflepuff is the only Hogwarts house to never produce a Dark Lord or one of their followers, but the 'Puffs are kinda boring in general and not very fun.

But back to your Sorting. Whatever house you end up in is fine, but I'm a Slytherin and I have connections in Ravenclaw, so if you end up in one of those houses it'd be easiest for me to look after you. The Gryffs would probably try and turn you against me, and I just don't have anyone in the 'Puffs I'm close enough with to keep some sort of eye on you."

"Why would you need to keep an eye on me?"

"You know that your famous, yeah? Well, people are gonna try to use that to further themselves. Besides me being in Slytherin, everyone in Slytherin pretty much has political ambitions, or ambitions that require knowing somebody with political power. That means we can be friendly with them and they'll look out for us. Because we, and by we I mean you, have something they want."

Harry sat quietly for a moment, digesting all of this information.

"That doesn't seem a good way to make friends."

Dora cocked an eyebrow.

"Friends and allies are a bit different. You don't have to be friends with everybody, but a lot of the kids in Slytherin will make good allies in the long run, and those that end up as your friends will be invaluable. And I think with that kind of attitude you'd be able to make friends with you 'Puff yearmates, putting you in a very good position for when you become Lord Potter."

"Wait, Lord Potter?"

Dora huffed and ran a hand through her now white hair.

"Mum was right. Dumbledore made you as ignorant of the Wizarding World as possible. Then he sent Hagrid, of all people, to introduce you to it. He's trying to indoctrinate you to his way of thinking."

Dora shook herself as if she were a dog drying itself.

"Right, Lord Potter. When you come of age, which is seventeen in our world, you will become the Head of House Potter, which makes you Lord Potter. It gets you a seat in the Wizengamot, our 'parliment,' and means that your family is pretty wealthy. And by pretty wealthy, I mean your great-great-grandkids never have to work a day in their life."

Harry just looked flabbergasted. This was so much information. Vital information that he should have known years ago.

Dora noticed that Harry was struggling with all of this and decided it was time for a spot of fun.

"Alright, how about we play some Exploding Snap instead?"

XXXXXX

Several rounds of Snap later, Draco had joined Dora and Harry, sending his associates, Crabbe and Goyle, off to Pansy Parkinson, the girl Draco was currently, unwillingly, courting.

Dora had been right as well, Draco was kinda snobbish, but soon enough the blonde boy was playing snap with them and cracking jokes at everyone's expense, including his own. Harry could say that today was the best day of his life.

The only dark spot was when Ron Weasley showed up and began insulting, not only Draco, whose family was currently engaged in a blood feud with the Weasleys, but Dora. Then the ginger started calling Harry a 'dark lord in the making!'

Really, what was his problem? Whatever house Weasley ended up in, Harry wanted no part of.

XXXXX

A/N: Family seems to be really important to the purebloods. Now if I were Draco/Lucius/Narcissa I would be playing that up in a heartbeat. And if Andromeda was disowned for marrying a muggleborn and Sirius ran away and both are bloodtraitors, you figure that they would stick together somewhat. So why doesn't Tonks, who is, by every piece of information I can find about her, a seventh year when Harry is a firstie, try to be a big sister?

Granted JKR had to tell a story and she did, and it was amazing, but there is so much to play around with, even when it comes to canon information.

Jade Marriage

Idea! Surprised this hasn't been done. But I think Su Li is a very under apprciated character in fanon. I mean if Daphne Greengrass can have a bazillion stories about her and she's only mentioned twice(?) in the books, why doesn't Su Li have a similar number of stories?

We know, just like Daphne, next to nothing about her, other than she's chinese(? asian but I'm gonna go with chinese) and in ravenclaw. Those two things can open a whole world around Harry. I've seen it done with a Padma/Parvati who are really in touch with their Indian (dot not feather, curry not corn) roots. Why not Su? Hell, I've even seen it done with Cho. Why not Su?

Whodafuq knows.

Anyways, long story short, betrothal contract between Harry and Su. Dumbledore is Harry's Wizarding Sponsor (So we can have varying levels of Manip!Dumble, if I were to write this out he would be a bit misguided and only manipulative enough to try and recreate someone similar to himself, a Leader of the Light, out of Harry) and hasn't told Harry about a plethora of responsibilities that he has, because he legit wanted Harry to have a childhood.

So probably by book three, Su gets fed up with not being able to be Harry's girlfriend and future Mrs. Potter (She's got just about every piece of Potter Info she can get at her fingertips with all sorts of financial plans) and confronts him. She feels very relieved that he doesn't hate her for being chinese or really smart or anything like that, but is also very frustrated that he never knew in the first place. I planned her sending him a silk hanky(with a chinese phoenix on it with the symbols for rebirth and longevity), from the silk farm that is a part of her dowry, for Yule. And that's what leads to them having a 'confrontation' over the Yule hols, which both of them are in the castle for.

Why a betrothal between the Li's and the Potters? The Potters have the market of textiles and ceramics in England, France, and the Iberian Peninsula cornered. So this is how the Lis are getting in on that action. Currently the Potter businesses are being held in Trust by Dumbledore (who has basically said 'make money, be ethical, don't fuck up'). So Dumbledore and Harry have a heart to heart about the sponsorship, the betrothal and the trust, and this, surprisingly to Dumbledore, makes the relationship between Harry and Dumbles a lot better.

This leads to Dumbles taking Harry on a tour of the businesses held in Trust over Easter Break, including a very nifty surprise in a majority stock holding in Nimbus Brooms. Have fun with that, yeah? Somehting happens here that changes the relationship between Harry and Ron, causing it to mature. Hermione is rather put out that there is another smart girl added to her small circle of friends. Tension from that area.

After freeing Sirius, who still ends up on the run, Harry goes and recharges the wards at num 4, then spends most of his summer in China, inspecting Su's dowry, getting to know the Li's, and essentially being a part of the family. He still returns to England for the World Cup, and all that jazz, but Su stayed behind in China for a little while longer.

Then go forth and have an interesting fourth year. With Chinese magic and kung fu. Because we can never have enough Wu Shu antics.


End file.
